January 08, 2003

SADDAM SEEKS ASYLUM ON NEW YORK’S WEST SIDE

Several days ago the Financial Times of London reported that Arab states will ask Saddam Hussein to stand down if a military campaign becomes imminent. “…officials said an initiative offering Mr. Hussein asylum might have a chance of success if he were convinced he could not avoid a war to topple his regime. Identifying a haven for Mr. Hussein is a secondary issue. ‘If he accepts, there will be a land for him. Where he goes is not a big problem,’ said an Arab official.”

In the meantime behind the scenes bids for Mr. Hussein’s residency from various major cities around the world are being accepted. Unconfirmed reports from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, suggest that Mr. Hussein’s first choice for his asylum city is none other than The Big Apple. Horsefeathers’ source was one of the 7000 Saudi princes who asked not to be identified because he said that he had a pretty good deal in the Royal Family and didn’t want to lose his perks or his tongue just yet. He said that the Family was very touchy about these things and you could end up in some wadi somewhere, pushing up date palms. Our source said that the buzz around the palace was that there was a better than fifty-fifty chance that Saddam would choose New York City, if he could get a good enough deal. Asked why Saddam was so keen on coming to the Big Apple to settle, he said he thought Saddam was tired of Kebab and baklava every night and was looking for some variety. Also he said that he had heard that New York, New York was his favorite song, and wanted to try to make it there so he could make it anywhere. His other favorite was I Did it My Way. Our source implied that Saddam understood these songs as kind of political anthems and he wouldn’t be surprised if Saddam ran for mayor of New York in 2005.

A quick survey of major realtors in Manhattan came up with an Arabic speaking broker who claimed that her firm had been contacted by both the Saudis and the Saddam government. She said that she had spoken to the Iraqi representative to the UN several times during the last month. She asked that her firm not to be identified. But she did acknowledge that Mr. Hussein would need a residence with 63 bedrooms and at least 2 bathrooms. He needed room for his family and fifty members of his Republican Guard. Money was apparently no problem, Mr. Hussein was willing to pay up to 15 million barrels of crude a year.

The real estate broker admitted that there were very few locations around that would be suitable for Mr. Hussein. “The best possibility is the new Time Warner building on Columbus Circle. We were able to get an option on 12 floors with quite a good view of the park. The management agreed that it would be all right for Mr. Hussein to stand on his balcony and shoot off his rifle every once in a while as long as he didn’t aim it any of the other tenants.”

Would Saddam be happy in that location, Horsefeathers asked. “Oh, yes,” she replied, “He has a membership at the New York Athletic Club on Central Park South where he plans to keep in shape. Also, it’s not far from the Harvard Club. He’s been offered a faculty appointment at the University if he comes to America. And he loves the vitality of the West Side. He’s heard that Zabar’s has a large selection of smoked sturgeon and halvah. He’s a bit of a nut about pistachio halvah. But,” she said doubtfully, “It all depends on what Bloomberg offers.” What did she mean? Well, apparently San Francisco, Boston, London, and Paris are offering very good deals to him.

Horsefeathers immediately contacted Mayor Bloomberg’s office. What about this rumor we asked the mayor. “It’s no secret around here,” he said hopefully. “We want him. We’re making bids for the Democratic Convention and Republican conventions in ’04. The Olympics in 2012. Why not Saddam? He’s not coming with weapons of mass destruction and we need revenue.” Horsefeathers raised the obvious question. What about the large population of Jews in the city? Wouldn’t they mind? “I spoke to Mr. Hussein about that, but he said not to worry. He said he loves all Jews who don’t live in Israel. And he plans to give Mt Sinai a large hospital ‘The Saddam Hussein Pavilion.’”

So what’s the deal we’re offering him? The Mayor smiled triumphantly. “Front row tickets to all the Jets, Yankees, and Knicks games in perpetuity, six permanent parking permits for anywhere in the city, and a real estate tax abatement for five years. And we just threw in a sales tax abatement for ten years. Paris will never beat that.”