January 07, 2003

ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD DEMOCRAT ANNOUNCES PRESIDENTIAL BID:

LOVE-CHILD OF CLINTON AND STREISAND RUNS FOR NOMINATION

DECLARES FIRST PRIORITY GLOBAL WARMING: “WE MUST KEEP SNOWS ON KILIMANJARO FROM MELTING”

Shortly after Senator John Edwards announced his bid for the Democratic presidential nomination Thursday, Clinton Streisand, the eleven-year-old love child of the former President and Barbra Streisand, followed suit. The novice said that he wanted to be an inspiration to all the liberal kids in America. “Our turn must come before it’s too late,” he declared in front of his mother’s Beverly Hills home.

Since Al Gore dropped out of the race a number of senior Democratic senators have started reaching for the torch: John Kerrey, Dick Gephardt, Joe Lieberman. But the party was surprised on Thursday when John Edwards, the boyish-looking junior senator from North Carolina, threw his hat into the ring. He has had only four years of senatorial experience and no political experience to speak of before 1998. This youthful presidential aspirant is apparently what inspired young Clinton Streisand to get into the race: “Jeez, he doesn’t look any older than I do.” Senator Edwards is actually 49, but some of his Republican colleagues like to tease that he didn’t start shaving until he took his senate seat.

Young Clinton Streisand looked optimistic as he stood on the lawn of his mother’s Beverly Hills estate: “I called this conference to announce that I was setting up a committee to explore the possibility of running for the nomination for president in 2004.” He wore a red T shirt with the message “The Love-Child Candidate 2004,” his hip-hugger jeans quite a bit lower than his hips, with fashionably filthy bottoms. He stood arms akimbo, with one foot on his skate board, coolly fielding question from the press:

Q: Did Senator Edwards’ candidacy have anything to do with today’s hurried announcement?

Clinton Streisand: Well, actually I been thinkin’ about this for a coupla years. Since my dad left office. But sure, Senator Edwards had somethin’ to do with it. It sounds to me like America wants youth and inexperience for their leaders. And hell, if they want youth and inexperience I’m their guy.

Q: What makes you want to be president, Mr. Streisand?

C-Str: That’s a good question, Maureen. I guess it’s because I want to be a champion for the regular people—you know, people like my mom and dad. And another thing is that my mom always wanted to be president, that influenced my thinking a lot. She used to say that Reagan was such a lousy actor—if he could do it she could. So I figured if I did it she could be the First Mom.

Q: Campaigning in politics is hard on the candidates’ family? Have you thought about that?

C-Str: Well, Maureen, I did. We talked about it a lot, Mom and Dad and me. There’s nothing more important than Family. They know it will be hard for us, but what was more important was that we thought that it was right for the country.

Q: What is the most important issue the country is facing today?

C-Str: I’m glad you asked that, Maureen. My Mom and I think that the most important crisis facing America today is the fact that the snow on Kilimanjaro is melting. Some people will ask what that has to do with America, Kilimanjaro is in Africa. And they’re right. Kilimanjaro is in Africa. But all mountains are brothers, right Mom? And it’s all because of global warming and the military–industrial complex…

Q: Do you have a solution, sir?

C-Str: You bet I do—Skateboards!

The press conference ended abruptly at this point when the young contender jumped on his skateboard leaving the admiring press in his dust.