December 03, 2002

BAD JOKE IN BAGHDAD

     The other day, the Washington Post revealed that the new UN inspectors have never had background checks and that some of them have little or no experience or education in their presumed fields of expertise. Furthermore some of them appear to have—what shall we say—unusual backgrounds for this kind of work.

    Washingtonpost.com:
“Weapons Inspectors' Experience Questioned
Va. Man Is Cited As Example; Hiring Process Criticized
By James V. Grimaldi
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, November 28, 2002; Page A01
“The United Nations launched perhaps its most important weapons inspections ever yesterday with a team that includes a 53-year-old Virginia man with no specialized scientific degree and a leadership role in sadomasochistic sex clubs.

“The United Nations acknowledged yesterday that it did not conduct a background check on Harvey John "Jack" McGeorge of Woodbridge…. McGeorge was picked for the diplomatically sensitive mission over some of the most experienced disarmament sleuths in the world. A U.N. spokesman said McGeorge was part of a group recommended by the State Department….

“McGeorge does not possess a degree in one of the specialized fields -- such as biochemistry, bacteriology or chemical engineering -- that the United Nations says it seeks in its inspectors. U.S. and U.N. officials said a background check apparently was not conducted on McGeorge or any of the inspector applicants.

“An Internet search of open Web sites conducted by The Washington Post found that McGeorge is the co-founder and past president of Black Rose, a Washington-area pansexual S&M group, and the former chairman of the board of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. He is also a founding officer of the Leather Leadership Conference Inc., which "produces training sessions for current and potential leaders of the sadomasochism/leather/fetish community," according to its Web site. Several Web sites describe McGeorge's training seminars, which involve various acts conducted with knives and ropes.
“McGeorge said. "I am who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am -- not one bit.”

    HORSEFEATHERS imagined, therefore, what it might be like on Harvey John “Jack” McGeorge’s first inspection.

The scene is in the office-show room of the ALI-AKBAR CAMEL HARNESS COMPANY. There is a small sign hanging on the wall that warns “NO WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTIONS ALLOWED Proprietor Mohammed Mohammed”
    The door opens and Harvey John “Jack” McGeorge enters with his shirt open to his waist revealing a suntanned hairy chest. He is carrying a clipboard with a ball-point pen attached. He has a faint southern accent.

Jack: Hi (he smiles and extends his hand) Ah’m Harvey McGeorge, but my friends call me Jack.

Mo: Welcome, God is great! May his blessings be upon you forever.

Jack: Ah’m with the United Nations. (He looks around and sees many articles of leather hanging from the walls.) Ah’m afraid I have to inspect your premises for weapons of mass destruction. Ah see (he refers to the sign on the wall) you have no weapons of mass destruction here. That’s very good, I’ll make a note of that.

Mo: Yes, Pasha whatever you wish. My house is your house.

Jack: Ah notice you have all this leather equipment on your walls.

Mo: Our finest. Would you like to see any of it, Pasha?

Jack: Oh, yes. May I? You know I know leather. I’m an expert in leather, you might say.

Mo: Of course, Mr. Jack. What would you like to see?

Jack: How about that (he points to a harness) that looks very exciting. You know I was the founder of the Leather Leadership Conference back in the USA. We also have a French affiliate, Les Amant de Cuir. Y’all understand French? It’s a kind of little joke.
(Mohammed hands him the harness) Ooooh, this is very exciting. Y’all think I could kinda try it on.

Mo: Put it on? Of course, Pasha, anything.

Jack: (Tears off his shirt and puts on the harness, feeling the leather sensuously.) Ahhh, this feels so good, I mean this is very fine leather. (He glances at himself in the mirror on the wall.) Yessss. How do you get it sooo smooth?

Mo: Oh, that is a trade secret, Pasha. I cannot reveal that even to you.

Jack: Bet it has to do with those huge tanks of liquid Hydrogen out back behind the shop?

Mo: Oh no. That’s nothing. Ah…ah, it’s to keep the goat’s milk cool, Pasha. Nothing more.

Jack: (Still admiring his looks in the mirror. Absently.) Goat’s milk?

Mo: Yes, Pasha. The government requires that we give goat’s milk to our workers every day.

Jack: (Absently) And that’s how you keep it fresh. Very nice. Very considerate. Are these the reins?

Mo: Yes, they’re made of horse hide. Very tough and strong.

Jack: Tough? I need to see something really tough. (Pause) You know for the inspection. Could you pull them a little tighter?

Mo: Tighter? Yes, but I don’t want to hurt you, Pasha.

Jack: Don’t worry about that. We have to test these things. (Mohammed pulls tighter) Oooh that’s good. Tighter! Good, good! What’s that on the wall?

Mo: That is a camel whip. Camels are the laziest of beasts, you know. You must show them who is master.

Jack: Master, yes, yes. Let’s do that. Let’s play a little game, kind of. You be Mohammed the great camel driver and I’ll be the lazy camel. I’ll get down here (he gets down on all fours) and you give me a little twitch. Go ahead. Go ahead.

Mo: (Utters the Arab word for giddap as he flicks the whip) Giddap! Giddap!

Jack: Harder please. Tighter. Harder! Yes, yes, yes, yes. I’m a lazy camel! Oohh, oh oh, oh!

(The curtain begins to fall)

Jack: Mohammed, ah know some of my inspector friends will want to stop by for more inspections…harder.

CURTAIN